Choosing to pick up the pieces. Pieces of life, not pieces of m&ms.

So much has happened since my last competition 3 months ago. It feels a bit overwhelming to think about writing every thing down. On this wednesday night though, or shall I say morning since it's 3 am, I feel compelled to write and to share. 

A few months ago, when I first began to train for my 2nd show, I was at a pretty low place. It was a battle from the get go because I had rebounded quite badly (putting back on weight) after the first show last october and it was a really hard thing to process. To be honest, it's a complete mind fuck to go from "stage" body to "real life" fit body, let alone "worse than when you first started training" body. It was hard to pick myself up from this low point and make the decision to get back into shape and train for another competition. I made that decision though and began training and dieting around jan/feb. Let me remind you my first competition was october 2011 and my last one was 3 months ago. The mental and emotional battle was definitely a process and not something that happened over night. 

Things started to get better and my mentality changed. I was powering through and I was in great spirits leading up to my 2nd competition. I looked the best I had ever looked, was in the best shape of my life and it was completely rewarding to have crossed the finish line (looking better than my first show, might I add). It was great. During all of this, I told myself I would NOT rebound again. I could not put myself through that battle again. Guess what? I did. I rebounded, AGAIN. This isn't unusual, it happens. I just didn't want it to happen to me. I didn't want to put all of my heart and energy into something just to throw it away. 

After the 2nd show, something happened and I sort of went downhill mentally, emotionally and physically. I dropped out of a show I had planned on competing in which broke my heart. Some personal issues reemerged and my head and heart were not in the right place. My desire to train dissipated and I became very overwhelmed with many things. It had been awhile since I had felt that way. I was at an extremely low and dark place at this point. I pulled myself away. From everything. I went home to seattle for a while before going to see max in sweden just two weeks ago. I am in seattle again, regrouping, rebuilding, healing, learning some lessons, picking up some pieces and finding some resolution that was needed in my personal life. This time away hasn't been for nothing. God opened up my eyes to a lot this time because I was definitely ASKING! I have learned a great deal about myself. I am seeing why there was a pattern of rebounding. I am seeing emotional patterns as well. I am working on these things. Very specific things.  

So this is where I am at now. Picking myself back up again. I am back on track and am setting daily and weekly goals with my nutrition and training. I never weigh myself (even when I competed) so I don't have a weight goal. I just want to get to a point where I feel comfortable in my own skin because honestly right now, I don't. After I reach that point, whenever that may be, I will consider competing again. I know I am not a beach whale so it's not going to take a crazy long time, but competition prep is intense... to say the least and although I know I am capable of the structure, discipline and commitment that is required to compete, I just mainly want to make sure I am in the right frame of mind for it and that my heart is in a healthy state. I am thinking/hoping I will be more than ready by the time max gets to the states in the winter (fingers crossed, send prayers our way!) because we want to train for a show together :) 

That was VERY long, but it was actually summarized for ya hah. I really appreciate those who take the time to read/ are interested in reading what I share. This post was very, very difficult to share, but I share because I know others can relate. I share because this is life, this is what's real. Like I said in my last post, it's not all rainbows and butterflies. Life is called a journey for a reason. Having shit tons of motivation and constantly staying positive is not something that occurs everyday of my life. There are many ups and downs. Living a balanced, healthy and fit life is damn hardddd, but It's something I want and am striving for. I am learning. And I'm gonna keep it real with you while I'm doin it;)


**You have a CHOICE. Choose to learn. Choose to grow. Choose to be better. Choose to try again. Choose to keep trying and keep going until you get to where you want to/need to be**



Shout out to my babe-alicious, max....being a competitor himself, he's one of few who truly understands  - he's been THE biggest support <3you da best. 

he's waiting for me to run into his arms. heh:)