Choosing to pick up the pieces. Pieces of life, not pieces of m&ms.

So much has happened since my last competition 3 months ago. It feels a bit overwhelming to think about writing every thing down. On this wednesday night though, or shall I say morning since it's 3 am, I feel compelled to write and to share. 

A few months ago, when I first began to train for my 2nd show, I was at a pretty low place. It was a battle from the get go because I had rebounded quite badly (putting back on weight) after the first show last october and it was a really hard thing to process. To be honest, it's a complete mind fuck to go from "stage" body to "real life" fit body, let alone "worse than when you first started training" body. It was hard to pick myself up from this low point and make the decision to get back into shape and train for another competition. I made that decision though and began training and dieting around jan/feb. Let me remind you my first competition was october 2011 and my last one was 3 months ago. The mental and emotional battle was definitely a process and not something that happened over night. 

Things started to get better and my mentality changed. I was powering through and I was in great spirits leading up to my 2nd competition. I looked the best I had ever looked, was in the best shape of my life and it was completely rewarding to have crossed the finish line (looking better than my first show, might I add). It was great. During all of this, I told myself I would NOT rebound again. I could not put myself through that battle again. Guess what? I did. I rebounded, AGAIN. This isn't unusual, it happens. I just didn't want it to happen to me. I didn't want to put all of my heart and energy into something just to throw it away. 

After the 2nd show, something happened and I sort of went downhill mentally, emotionally and physically. I dropped out of a show I had planned on competing in which broke my heart. Some personal issues reemerged and my head and heart were not in the right place. My desire to train dissipated and I became very overwhelmed with many things. It had been awhile since I had felt that way. I was at an extremely low and dark place at this point. I pulled myself away. From everything. I went home to seattle for a while before going to see max in sweden just two weeks ago. I am in seattle again, regrouping, rebuilding, healing, learning some lessons, picking up some pieces and finding some resolution that was needed in my personal life. This time away hasn't been for nothing. God opened up my eyes to a lot this time because I was definitely ASKING! I have learned a great deal about myself. I am seeing why there was a pattern of rebounding. I am seeing emotional patterns as well. I am working on these things. Very specific things.  

So this is where I am at now. Picking myself back up again. I am back on track and am setting daily and weekly goals with my nutrition and training. I never weigh myself (even when I competed) so I don't have a weight goal. I just want to get to a point where I feel comfortable in my own skin because honestly right now, I don't. After I reach that point, whenever that may be, I will consider competing again. I know I am not a beach whale so it's not going to take a crazy long time, but competition prep is intense... to say the least and although I know I am capable of the structure, discipline and commitment that is required to compete, I just mainly want to make sure I am in the right frame of mind for it and that my heart is in a healthy state. I am thinking/hoping I will be more than ready by the time max gets to the states in the winter (fingers crossed, send prayers our way!) because we want to train for a show together :) 

That was VERY long, but it was actually summarized for ya hah. I really appreciate those who take the time to read/ are interested in reading what I share. This post was very, very difficult to share, but I share because I know others can relate. I share because this is life, this is what's real. Like I said in my last post, it's not all rainbows and butterflies. Life is called a journey for a reason. Having shit tons of motivation and constantly staying positive is not something that occurs everyday of my life. There are many ups and downs. Living a balanced, healthy and fit life is damn hardddd, but It's something I want and am striving for. I am learning. And I'm gonna keep it real with you while I'm doin it;)


**You have a CHOICE. Choose to learn. Choose to grow. Choose to be better. Choose to try again. Choose to keep trying and keep going until you get to where you want to/need to be**



Shout out to my babe-alicious, max....being a competitor himself, he's one of few who truly understands  - he's been THE biggest support <3you da best. 

he's waiting for me to run into his arms. heh:)

Rainbows and Butterflies.

I was inspired by a dear friend to be honest, to be real. On her blog, I noticed she has increasingly become more candid about her struggles in the past and present and how she strives to work through them to better herself as a person. Especially when it comes to health and fitness. I know I don't post consistently, but I always hope that when I do, I can have some type of positive impact on a reader. Because of Stephanie, I realized, that in order to affect people on a deeper level, there needs to be a relatable element that comes from honesty. Being honest, even about struggles, has great ability to encourage people too because it makes us feel like we are human. We are not perfect and everyone goes through the same emotional, mental and physical struggles. Just in our own way. This is not to say that I have ever lied or sugar coated anything but I know I haven't shared much of my real inner battles. Positive words are often encouraging of course, but sometimes I personally just want to and need to hear that someone is struggling too! Or, at least has been there before. We all know it's not all rainbows and butterflies. Steph agreed that there is a lot of fluff out there and I as a reader, need that human element. Although my other blog, A Beautiful Life, is pretty raw and emotional, I feel like I need more of that with this blog as I write about my health and fitness journey. How do I truly and sincerely guide, encourage and inspire others if I don't share the nitty gritty, the lowest lows, and ups and downs. I know I am pretty good at being positive and giving pep talks, but I have huge struggles and very low lows as well and at this point, I feel compelled to share! I want to post on a weekly basis giving an update on how I am doing physically, mentally and emotionally and if anything interesting comes up in between, I will share that too. 

Contact me through any avenue you are able to if there is something in particular you'd like me to share or are curious about. I get a lot of messages about what my training is like and what I eat specifically, but with this journey, there is so much more to it than that..so, please ask!


I would love feedback, like "followers" (because I see in my stats that people ARE reading, so it's ok to follow me :)haha) and appreciate your support!!

Thanks for reading,

<3N

Desire & Belief

Naturally, goals and resolutions are the most popular topics as of lately. I personally am someone who feels that goal setting is one of many key mechanisms in assisting you to live more effectively. A plan, a guide and things to strive for are always good.

After setting some realistic short term and long term goals, creating a specific plan of action and strategy are required. Then, it needs to be implemented.

Since I've experienced it as well, it's probably safe to say that most of you often come under that feel good motivation spell and are amped about life and future plans. It can be concerning life in general or maybe it's about a career change, pursuing a new idea or a new health regiment. You have your goal, plan and strategy but then, not much happens. Or, something happens for a solid 2 weeks and from there on out your progress trickles into nothing. Through self analysis during past experiences like this, I've found that it was because (among a few other factors):
1. The desire for it wasn't to the core of my heart.
2. The belief of that pursuit wasn't to the core of my heart. 

Desire: 
When I say desire, I do not mean surface feel good desire. The desire needs to be to the point that it could almost be defined as a necessity. The reason for the necessity is one only you will know. Sometimes, the reason doesn't make sense and is not easily articulated, but if you are truly pursuing something, I feel it means there's some type of necessity. Or else, why would you take any action at all. Sometimes the reason for our desire is not strong enough which means its not a necessity- to me, it is a surface want. Consequently, it will be difficult to sustain or even begin to take action. Ask yourself if you truly desire the attainment of a goal. To your core.

Belief:
Something that I feel is rarely mentioned and is so crucial to the equation is to simply believe. What are your beliefs about your goals? Do you feel you can reach them? Deserve them? Believe that you can. Believe in the plan, believe in the strategy, believe in the goal, believe in your word and what you have told yourself you want to do. Essentially, believe in yourself! It's difficult to even start to execute anything you have down on paper, let alone sustain action or pick up momentum if you do not BELIEVE and feel in your HEART that you can DO it, WANT it, and WILL. Maybe your desire is there, but it makes all the difference to believe in yourself and in your word. To your core.

With that, take some time to reflect on past failures and why your efforts or progress died out. Maybe you have both of these things, and this might sound corny but maybe you just need to verbalize it to yourself each morning, or take moments through out the day to remind yourself to feel that desire, and believe in that desire and in yourself. Dig deep and do some self analysis. Question your motives. Maybe you need to reevaluate and replan a few things here and there. That's a-ok.


These are just things I have found helpful for myself. Things that have helped me to break some bad cycles so that when I pursue my goals, I can stay on track and achieve my goals. Good luck with all of your new year resolutions.





Love,
Nat